its real.
and you know that no matter what, its always going to be. i thought
summer 08 was going to be full of drama, and to tell you the
truth i wasnt looking forward to it as much as i thought i would be.
but this has been a great summer. i've dropped the old fake friends.
the shit talkers, and the ones that cant accept themselves and me.
and i've gained new, trustworthy friends that i really do wanna know,
and "chill" with for the rest of my life. the friendships i've made this
summer is unbelievable. i mean, these people were always there,
but not at this level. so in a way, i kind of thank those pathetic people
that took time out of their day to talk the shit they talked, because
in all honestly, by you being sooo damn gutless, i've realized who
my true friends really were the whole time. so fuck it. you thought
we were close? i guess we werent as close as you thought if neither
one of us has thought of making the effort to keep in touch this summer.
goodness, all i can say is the people i've been hanging out with lately
are the 'real-est' people i've met in this bunk little town, and as for
those fake bitches i wasted a whole year on? keep on doin' what y'all are
doin'. PLEASE. because its your contraversy making me famous, babes.

cold is an understatement;
when summing you up into a word
you might be bigger, but we're faster.

theres something in your eyes
its tellin me i can beat you
im fearless, when it comes to this.
you look defeated and i havent
even taken the first blow.

it seems my dear, 
you just put so much energy into 
the blows you throw my way,
that you dont have time to prepare
for the ones i throw back.

its self destruction, really.

the balls in your court, 
and still your at a disadvantage.
its a shame really.

you were once talented in my eyes.
but it seems to all be going to waste.
slowly, your deteriorating.

inside to out,
i wish you luck in the fast,
cut-throat game of life.

I've always had an issue with trust in my life, and through it all. best friends are supposed to be there through it all. they're the ones your supposed to be able to trust. a best friend DOES NOT backstab you, and shift the blame of certain things on to you, they dont just stand by and listen to people bullshit their way through "the superior thing" as they try and make themselves seem better then you, and they definitely dont shit talk your other friends. so what have i learned after about a year of living in bowmanville? TRUST NO ONE. fuck the bitches. honestly. i dont have to say, i've made some AMAZING friends here, friends that i do trust and love, but its kind of a negative thing when out of all the people i met, i became best friends with the one person that BACKSTABBED ME THROUGH ALL THE SHIT THATS WENT ON.  honestly, that one negative incident in a way has shone a negative light on the whole town. i cant help the way i feel.  that is really, just how i feel. although i dont want peoples feelings to be hurt reading this, i needed to get the truth out eventually. so fuck you. i mean, not in a mean way, but i mean, in an- i dont need you at all kind of way. one thing people seemed to forget about me is that although i may seem week at some points, i am a very strong person internally. if all someone is going to bring me is bullshit, and negative engery, then im better off just tossing them from the begining instead of trying to put up with all the shit it takes to make things better. losing one person isnt going to effect me HALF as much as you may think. im better off, to tell you the truth. because this is one less motherfucking drama in my life that i have to deal with. with much respect, sam ramsay.

Ok, so i really dont know what todo lately. i havent posted in a while but i've been busy so cut me some slack! im 100 % completely over the guy that so severly tore me apart. Im proud of myself! i wanted to get over him, right? and i accomplished that goal completely. i think that im at a point now where i can see him holding and kissing another girl and surprisingly be absolutely fine with it. its exciting, in a way because i feel as if i can move on as an individual now. im at the point now where people need to earn my trust. im not just giving it away. so i dont care if we're best friends, or if we're worst enemies. no one has my trust as of now. its been broken alot lately. i can say that much. ive trusted people i guess i shouldnt have and told people things in confidence that i shouldnt have been stupid enough to unleash. but really, im starting fresh. no more beef or anything. if you have beef with me, let me know- same as if your my friend. LET IT SHOW. dont waste your time being fucking fake!

Okay, so I officially consider myself, suuuper strong?! Is it such a  bad thing? I think that after two months, i DESERVE to feel good about myself, and if it makes you feel like shit that im finally feeling amazing without you, then your a dick. I mean, to tell you the truth, YEAH- I FELL IN LOVE WITH YOU. But you were a dick all along, sweetheart. Im upset because it just sucks to think about how fucked up you really are. I'm done feeling sorry for myself because i dont have you in my life anymore, hunnie- i feel DAMN sorry for you though. Your a fucked up person, i have to say. And you have the nerve to say that about me? You have no impact on me whatsoever now, so dont think for one second that your going to make me feel bad about myself. Im learning fast that people like you are useless in my life. And as for me? Why in the world would I fall in love with someone who treats me like shit? I think its because I fell in love with your lies, and the fake smile you still put on sometimes. But now, since there isnt a you and me- I wanna make it my goal to find someone that smiles at me for real, and to find someone who doesnt lie to get what they want.  Someone content with who they are and someone secure enough with themself to have the ability to love someone else still. And you know what, this may not make sense to anyone reading this, but the same person that broke us up is the same one thats still causing drama in your life- your just TO FUCKING DUMB to realize it. So i hope you have fun, love. Have fun with the one i told you not to trust in the first place. And maybe when you finally realize that shes the reason for the drama, you'll think back to the first day we started dating, and my exact words were: stay the fuck away from that girl.

 Scratch all my old posts. Look back and reminice if you'd like, but im taking it all back and starting over new again. No one's ever going to replace the feelings you made me feel, and i dont know if i want anyone to either. You hurt me so much, you hurt me everyday. You've become so good at it I'm starting to wonder if you do it without noticing now. I honestly didnt think i'd be able to live without you, and I know letting you go is gunna hurt, but its gunna heal me to. And even though I really loved you, I think it's time to finally realize that no matter what we go through, i deserve to smile. And I deserve to laugh, and have a good time. I'm not a fucked up person, but i've been through some pretty fucked up things that I dont think anyone should ever have to endure. Don't label me because of my past, it hurts more then you think waking up everyday and knowing that im in some way, not good enough in your eyes. I dont know what to say anymore. You have me so confused, it hurts. I've never had to feel like tihs before, i've always been so sure about my actions and the things i say. i'm not asking for another chance, i'm just asking for some self respect and understanding out of you. something i never really got.

So, it feels as if it's been forever without you.  I honestly didnt think i'd make it this far. And I know i cant forget you, because we've been through so much. I honestly though i deserved you, but I deserve more. I need to learn that I'm gunna be okay. I thought i couldnt live without you, and its gunna hurt but it heals to. And even though I really love you, I'm gunna smile cuz I deserve to. I've moved on. I still love you, but you honestly put me through hell. Never in my life have I cried so much. I've moved on to someone who I know doesnt strive to make me tear up, but strives for my smile. Someone who I think really does care about me, and someone who I dont think is just using me for things that you used me for.  I'm letting you go so I can be free. I'm living my life how I want to live it. You have no impact on me what so ever. So what, when I see you I'm not smiling at you anymore, I'm smiling to piss you off. Because I know I deserve to. I have way to much self respect to keep putting myself through this. I'm a stong person, and when it comes down to it, I dont need anyone but myself. I dont want your apologies, in fact- I dont want anything from you. I dont even want your attention anymore. Your a zero, a nothing- INVISIBLE AS CAN BE. You really had me going, I have to give you that. But you can't out smart me forever, you know. And I know you'd never waste your sweet time reading something I wrote, but I guess it just feels good to have this all out, where I know you CAN read it. So go ahead, and think what you want. I'm leaving never to come back again. My life's to precious to waste on your sorry ass. And so what if im a "fuck up" or if in your eyes im "fucking my life up." MAYBE I WANNA LIVE ON THE EDGE! You're acting like i killed someone or something! I'm young, i'm as proper as can be, and I love myself for who I am. Your opinions on my life are about as useful as.. an empty mind. I'm beautiful no matter what you tell me. You dont bring me down anymore with your stupid little comments, or the pointless looks you give me. I laugh at you, because your pathetic. I know I'll go somewhere. I'll go somewhere with those that havent backstabbed me yet, or havent broken my heart or broken their word. tb, td, lt, km, kk, cb, ks, b, kb, tl, he. as for the rest of you? I know for a fgact you've shit talked, back stabbed, and broken your god damn fucking words. SO FUCK YOU. I dont need your fucking shit no more, thinknig you bring me down and stuff. I'm way to good to waste my time on the pointless cyatties and their shit. It seems that since we've broken up, i've actually gott4en a chance to see who my true friends are and who's jsut been trashing my name.

How 'bout a round of applause;
Standing Ovation.

but you put on quite a show;
really had me going
but now its time to go
curtains finally closing
that was quite a show
very entertaining
but its over now
go on and take a bow.

Believe me, you innocent little girl. In someone's diary your that skanky whore you'd never compare yourself to. There arent many strong people in the world. Emotionally strong i mean. Anyone can learn how to hold in the tears, and keep from getting angry, but very seldom do we come across people in this world that can not only control their emotions on the outside, but on the inside to. I'm a strong person, but i break. Everyone has their breaking point, and i've jsut finally reached mine. I guess what hurts the most was knowing that I wasso clearly in love, and i still am- but you dont care to notice. And if you do notice, then you're really good at not giving a shit. One of the things that i've recently learned is that as we go through life, there's so much we really dont understand- and things really don't usually go as planned. We didnt go as planned, if we did- we'd still be together. I still remember our first hug, and the butterflies that came to my stomach the very first time we meant eyes. And I'll never forget our first kiss. You told me, you said it straight to me that I shouldnt be reminicng about these things and in fact- i shouldnt even remember them. But I like to remember them, it makes me feel like maybe you weren't just using me. I'm done telling myself I wasnt good enough, and im on now to telling myself that I was to good. Sure there was drama, and fights and silly little mood swings, but in order to find love, you have to go through the bad to. So I've chose to stand up for something for once. I'm standing up for my feelings, because if you dont stand for something- believe me, you'll fall for everything. You should have known I was a strong person. it took me a while to get my real self back, but oooh boy. IM BACK. And please, believe me when i say it- you should have known better then to fuck with a girl who will jsut fuck with you back. Stop fucking around, you still tear me up inside, but i'm not letting you tear me apart anymore. It's your turn.  Get tangled up in me.

Here I am, as perfect as I'm ever going to be for you. I'm not going to change to satisfy your needs. So what if I'm not some big druggy anymore? And so what if it upsets me that you change when your high? I know what things like that make me become, and I'd never want to put you or anything else through that like you put me through it everyday. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry for trying to show you that I care, and I'm sorry for even telling you I cared. I know, it ruined your fun. I'd honestly do anything to make you happy, and to prove to you that you do mean as much as I say you do. I dont want people to read this and question it. If you know what I'm talking about, then you know what I'm going through. And thats the end of it. I dont have a problem with people doing drugs if they dont change who the person is, but how rare is that these days? I never once thought that I'd catch myself saying that I hate someone because of what they've become. It's a horrible thing to say, considering everyone changes whether its for the better or for the worse; but in this case, I think it's acceptable because you're CHOOSING to become this person I hate, and you seem to be okay with it. I dont know how many times I have to say this to you. Dont tell me you fucking care when you dont! I HATE THE FACT THAT YOU CAN SIT THERE AND TELL ME YOU CARE, BUT THEN ACT LIKE YOU DONT AROUND YOUR FRIENDS! It doesnt makes much sense to me at all. I wanted to spend forver in your arms, and yeah- some people may consider that exagerating, but its not. No one quite understands how I feel about you. I just dont understand how my feelings toward you can be SO strong, and your feelings toward me turn on and off as you like them to. I almost feel used. I was so into you. I jsut dont understand what went wrong. I gave you everything I could. I tried my best, but my best wasn't good enough for you. Standards need to be set lower on both our parts, I think. You need to learn to accept less then perfect, and I need to learn that I'm not gunna love like I love you. Just do me a favour, and remember me every once in a while, and promise me you'll try. I dont know what to do with myself anymore. I cant concentrate, I cant do anything right. You're all I think about and believe me, if i could reverse it and never think of you again, I would. I fucken love you, I just wish you'd realize.

Ps: Don't change for me. Change for yourself.