saaamramsay.

my thank you to the FAKE BITCHES!

2008-08-25T06:44:39Z

its real.
and you know that no matter what, its always going to be. i thought
summer 08 was going to be full of drama, and to tell you the
truth i wasnt looking forward to it as much as i thought i would be.
but this has been a great summer. i've dropped the old fake friends.
the shit talkers, and the ones that cant accept themselves and me.
and i've gained new, trustworthy friends that i really do wanna know,
and "chill" with for the rest of my life. the friendships i've made this
summer is unbelievable. i mean, these people were always there,
but not at this level. so in a way, i kind of thank those pathetic people
that took time out of their day to talk the shit they talked, because
in all honestly, by you being sooo damn gutless, i've realized who
my true friends really were the whole time. so fuck it. you thought
we were close? i guess we werent as close as you thought if neither
one of us has thought of making the effort to keep in touch this summer.
goodness, all i can say is the people i've been hanging out with lately
are the 'real-est' people i've met in this bunk little town, and as for
those fake bitches i wasted a whole year on? keep on doin' what y'all are
doin'. PLEASE. because its your contraversy making me famous, babes.

for the pathetic.

2008-08-25T06:34:04Z

cold is an understatement;
when summing you up into a word
you might be bigger, but we're faster.

theres something in your eyes
its tellin me i can beat you
im fearless, when it comes to this.
you look defeated and i havent
even taken the first blow.

it seems my dear,
you just put so much energy into
the blows you throw my way,
that you dont have time to prepare
for the ones i throw back.

its self destruction, really.

the balls in your court,
and still your at a disadvantage.
its a shame really.

you were once talented in my eyes.
but it seems to all be going to waste.
slowly, your deteriorating.

inside to out,
i wish you luck in the fast,
cut-throat game of life.

trust.

2008-07-30T05:46:21Z

I've always had an issue with trust in my life, and through it all. best friends are supposed to be there through it all. they're the ones your supposed to be able to trust. a best friend DOES NOT backstab you, and shift the blame of certain things on to you, they dont just stand by and listen to people bullshit their way through "the superior thing" as they try and make themselves seem better then you, and they definitely dont shit talk your other friends. so what have i learned after about a year of living in bowmanville? TRUST NO ONE. fuck the bitches. honestly. i dont have to say, i've made some AMAZING friends here, friends that i do trust and love, but its kind of a negative thing when out of all the people i met, i became best friends with the one person that BACKSTABBED ME THROUGH ALL THE SHIT THATS WENT ON. honestly, that one negative incident in a way has shone a negative light on the whole town. i cant help the way i feel. that is really, just how i feel. although i dont want peoples feelings to be hurt reading this, i needed to get the truth out eventually. so fuck you. i mean, not in a mean way, but i mean, in an- i dont need you at all kind of way. one thing people seemed to forget about me is that although i may seem week at some points, i am a very strong person internally. if all someone is going to bring me is bullshit, and negative engery, then im better off just tossing them from the begining instead of trying to put up with all the shit it takes to make things better. losing one person isnt going to effect me HALF as much as you may think. im better off, to tell you the truth. because this is one less motherfucking drama in my life that i have to deal with. with much respect, sam ramsay.

new me, new everything.

2008-07-03T03:00:48Z

Ok, so i really dont know what todo lately. i havent posted in a while but i've been busy so cut me some slack! im 100 % completely over the guy that so severly tore me apart. Im proud of myself! i wanted to get over him, right? and i accomplished that goal completely. i think that im at a point now where i can see him holding and kissing another girl and surprisingly be absolutely fine with it. its exciting, in a way because i feel as if i can move on as an individual now. im at the point now where people need to earn my trust. im not just giving it away. so i dont care if we're best friends, or if we're worst enemies. no one has my trust as of now. its been broken alot lately. i can say that much. ive trusted people i guess i shouldnt have and told people things in confidence that i shouldnt have been stupid enough to unleash. but really, im starting fresh. no more beef or anything. if you have beef with me, let me know- same as if your my friend. LET IT SHOW. dont waste your time being fucking fake!

New, & STRONG?!

2008-06-03T22:22:09Z

Okay, so I officially consider myself, suuuper strong?! Is it such a bad thing? I think that after two months, i DESERVE to feel good about myself, and if it makes you feel like shit that im finally feeling amazing without you, then your a dick. I mean, to tell you the truth, YEAH- I FELL IN LOVE WITH YOU. But you were a dick all along, sweetheart. Im upset because it just sucks to think about how fucked up you really are. I'm done feeling sorry for myself because i dont have you in my life anymore, hunnie- i feel DAMN sorry for you though. Your a fucked up person, i have to say. And you have the nerve to say that about me? You have no impact on me whatsoever now, so dont think for one second that your going to make me feel bad about myself. Im learning fast that people like you are useless in my life. And as for me? Why in the world would I fall in love with someone who treats me like shit? I think its because I fell in love with your lies, and the fake smile you still put on sometimes. But now, since there isnt a you and me- I wanna make it my goal to find someone that smiles at me for real, and to find someone who doesnt lie to get what they want. Someone content with who they are and someone secure enough with themself to have the ability to love someone else still. And you know what, this may not make sense to anyone reading this, but the same person that broke us up is the same one thats still causing drama in your life- your just TO FUCKING DUMB to realize it. So i hope you have fun, love. Have fun with the one i told you not to trust in the first place. And maybe when you finally realize that shes the reason for the drama, you'll think back to the first day we started dating, and my exact words were: stay the fuck away from that girl.

start fresh?

2008-05-20T19:53:29Z

Scratch all my old posts. Look back and reminice if you'd like, but im taking it all back and starting over new again. No one's ever going to replace the feelings you made me feel, and i dont know if i want anyone to either. You hurt me so much, you hurt me everyday. You've become so good at it I'm starting to wonder if you do it without noticing now. I honestly didnt think i'd be able to live without you, and I know letting you go is gunna hurt, but its gunna heal me to. And even though I really loved you, I think it's time to finally realize that no matter what we go through, i deserve to smile. And I deserve to laugh, and have a good time. I'm not a fucked up person, but i've been through some pretty fucked up things that I dont think anyone should ever have to endure. Don't label me because of my past, it hurts more then you think waking up everyday and knowing that im in some way, not good enough in your eyes. I dont know what to say anymore. You have me so confused, it hurts. I've never had to feel like tihs before, i've always been so sure about my actions and the things i say. i'm not asking for another chance, i'm just asking for some self respect and understanding out of you. something i never really got.

moved on.

2008-05-19T22:39:15Z

So, it feels as if it's been forever without you. I honestly didnt think i'd make it this far. And I know i cant forget you, because we've been through so much. I honestly though i deserved you, but I deserve more. I need to learn that I'm gunna be okay. I thought i couldnt live without you, and its gunna hurt but it heals to. And even though I really love you, I'm gunna smile cuz I deserve to. I've moved on. I still love you, but you honestly put me through hell. Never in my life have I cried so much. I've moved on to someone who I know doesnt strive to make me tear up, but strives for my smile. Someone who I think really does care about me, and someone who I dont think is just using me for things that you used me for. I'm letting you go so I can be free. I'm living my life how I want to live it. You have no impact on me what so ever. So what, when I see you I'm not smiling at you anymore, I'm smiling to piss you off. Because I know I deserve to. I have way to much self respect to keep putting myself through this. I'm a stong person, and when it comes down to it, I dont need anyone but myself. I dont want your apologies, in fact- I dont want anything from you. I dont even want your attention anymore. Your a zero, a nothing- INVISIBLE AS CAN BE. You really had me going, I have to give you that. But you can't out smart me forever, you know. And I know you'd never waste your sweet time reading something I wrote, but I guess it just feels good to have this all out, where I know you CAN read it. So go ahead, and think what you want. I'm leaving never to come back again. My life's to precious to waste on your sorry ass. And so what if im a "fuck up" or if in your eyes im "fucking my life up." MAYBE I WANNA LIVE ON THE EDGE! You're acting like i killed someone or something! I'm young, i'm as proper as can be, and I love myself for who I am. Your opinions on my life are about as useful as.. an empty mind. I'm beautiful no matter what you tell me. You dont bring me down anymore with your stupid little comments, or the pointless looks you give me. I laugh at you, because your pathetic. I know I'll go somewhere. I'll go somewhere with those that havent backstabbed me yet, or havent broken my heart or broken their word. tb, td, lt, km, kk, cb, ks, b, kb, tl, he. as for the rest of you? I know for a fgact you've shit talked, back stabbed, and broken your god damn fucking words. SO FUCK YOU. I dont need your fucking shit no more, thinknig you bring me down and stuff. I'm way to good to waste my time on the pointless cyatties and their shit. It seems that since we've broken up, i've actually gott4en a chance to see who my true friends are and who's jsut been trashing my name.

take a bow.

2008-05-09T22:08:12Z

How 'bout a round of applause;
Standing Ovation.

but you put on quite a show;
really had me going
but now its time to go
curtains finally closing
that was quite a show
very entertaining
but its over now
go on and take a bow.

I'm back.

2008-05-05T23:51:28Z

Believe me, you innocent little girl. In someone's diary your that skanky whore you'd never compare yourself to. There arent many strong people in the world. Emotionally strong i mean. Anyone can learn how to hold in the tears, and keep from getting angry, but very seldom do we come across people in this world that can not only control their emotions on the outside, but on the inside to. I'm a strong person, but i break. Everyone has their breaking point, and i've jsut finally reached mine. I guess what hurts the most was knowing that I wasso clearly in love, and i still am- but you dont care to notice. And if you do notice, then you're really good at not giving a shit. One of the things that i've recently learned is that as we go through life, there's so much we really dont understand- and things really don't usually go as planned. We didnt go as planned, if we did- we'd still be together. I still remember our first hug, and the butterflies that came to my stomach the very first time we meant eyes. And I'll never forget our first kiss. You told me, you said it straight to me that I shouldnt be reminicng about these things and in fact- i shouldnt even remember them. But I like to remember them, it makes me feel like maybe you weren't just using me. I'm done telling myself I wasnt good enough, and im on now to telling myself that I was to good. Sure there was drama, and fights and silly little mood swings, but in order to find love, you have to go through the bad to. So I've chose to stand up for something for once. I'm standing up for my feelings, because if you dont stand for something- believe me, you'll fall for everything. You should have known I was a strong person. it took me a while to get my real self back, but oooh boy. IM BACK. And please, believe me when i say it- you should have known better then to fuck with a girl who will jsut fuck with you back. Stop fucking around, you still tear me up inside, but i'm not letting you tear me apart anymore. It's your turn. Get tangled up in me.

Change for yourself.

2008-04-27T20:51:25Z

Here I am, as perfect as I'm ever going to be for you. I'm not going to change to satisfy your needs. So what if I'm not some big druggy anymore? And so what if it upsets me that you change when your high? I know what things like that make me become, and I'd never want to put you or anything else through that like you put me through it everyday. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry for trying to show you that I care, and I'm sorry for even telling you I cared. I know, it ruined your fun. I'd honestly do anything to make you happy, and to prove to you that you do mean as much as I say you do. I dont want people to read this and question it. If you know what I'm talking about, then you know what I'm going through. And thats the end of it. I dont have a problem with people doing drugs if they dont change who the person is, but how rare is that these days? I never once thought that I'd catch myself saying that I hate someone because of what they've become. It's a horrible thing to say, considering everyone changes whether its for the better or for the worse; but in this case, I think it's acceptable because you're CHOOSING to become this person I hate, and you seem to be okay with it. I dont know how many times I have to say this to you. Dont tell me you fucking care when you dont! I HATE THE FACT THAT YOU CAN SIT THERE AND TELL ME YOU CARE, BUT THEN ACT LIKE YOU DONT AROUND YOUR FRIENDS! It doesnt makes much sense to me at all. I wanted to spend forver in your arms, and yeah- some people may consider that exagerating, but its not. No one quite understands how I feel about you. I just dont understand how my feelings toward you can be SO strong, and your feelings toward me turn on and off as you like them to. I almost feel used. I was so into you. I jsut dont understand what went wrong. I gave you everything I could. I tried my best, but my best wasn't good enough for you. Standards need to be set lower on both our parts, I think. You need to learn to accept less then perfect, and I need to learn that I'm not gunna love like I love you. Just do me a favour, and remember me every once in a while, and promise me you'll try. I dont know what to do with myself anymore. I cant concentrate, I cant do anything right. You're all I think about and believe me, if i could reverse it and never think of you again, I would. I fucken love you, I just wish you'd realize.

Ps: Don't change for me. Change for yourself.

okay, damn?

2008-04-25T20:16:39Z

I learned the hard way
That they all say
Things you want to hear
And my heavy heart sinks deep down under you and
Your twisted words,
Your help just hurts
You are not what I thought you were
Hello to high and dry.

I've learned something in the past week.
The cure to a broken heart is a whole lot
of liquor and partying.

all i need are my best friends, a place to party, and a couple
drinks.. and that pretty much solves the me&you problem.

remember that little game?

2008-04-22T19:56:51Z

remember that little game we used to play with flowers on a hot summer day? he loves me, he loves me not. he loves me, he loves me not. IM TIRED OF IT. i hate the fact that i let you get away with it all sending me mixed messages. telling me you still have feelings for me, and then acting like you dont? i know your not the type of guy that lies about anything. you tell it how it is, straight up- and it DOES hurt sometimes, but its the right thing to do. so, i know you wouldnt lie to me about still having feelings, but why then go and act like you just dont like me around certain people? is it because you have feelings for other girls now to? or is it just because you technically ARE single, so you want to appear single to. well, whatever your reasons are for acting like you do, it just doesnt make sense to me. you know what else doesnt make sense to me? i dont understand why i continuously let myself be pushed around by you. i have self respect, as a matter or fact, i've held my ground about this for a while.. but i just dont understand why my wall's starting to crumble. and YOUR starting to make me fall apart. it's a shitty feeling knowing that another person has such an effect on you. but what you can you? i'm young.

oh yeah?

2008-04-21T19:41:30Z

btw- ifly doesnt mean i'm fly. ;)

figure it out, hunnnnnie.

it's true.

2008-04-21T19:34:11Z

Coco Chanel once said that in order to be irreplacable, you have to be different. You told me that I was different on my own, and that it attracted you to me. I thought the same about you. If a person hasnt changed at all, I dont understand how feelings could be lost, unless you werent exactly telling me the complete truth about how you felt. I hate the fact that no matter how much we talk about everything that's happened, i'm never completely satisfied with the outcome of our conversations, because i never feel like i'm being told the complete and honest truth. I'm learning to forget the past, but still have the ability to remember what it's taught me, and i know for a fact that it's taught me alot. I want to take a chance, because I believe that no matter how much you fight with someone, or how much you really HATE them sometimes, if they're on your mind everyday, they're worth your time. I've said "fuck you" so many times, because you've just pissed me off some much, i have nothing better to say to you at the time, but if you look back- i really do mean well. My original plan was to forgive and forget. Forgive myself for being stupid, and forget you were ever a part of my life, but i can't do that! I've realized that even if i did, not knowing what would have happened if i DID take a chance would kill me forever. You broke my heart, but that doesnt mean im going to give up. I'm going to have faith, and restart- only hoping for the best. I'm not proud of everythinhg I've done or said, but I'd do it all again if it meant that i'd have another chance with you. That seems a little drastic, but its not- in my mind, atleast. Gosh, reading back on all these- if it wasnt for live journal, i think i would have blown up by now! This holds a big chunk of my life, i'm sure everyone thats reading this can tell. These choices now, that i'm making with a little highschool boyfriend in a way are going to afftect the rest of my life, and i think it IS worth it. Fuck anyone who says it isnt. I'm not saying it's impossible for me to have feelings for other people. At this point, I think having little crushes again like before we knew eachother IS acceptable, but i'm alot NOT saying that it's alright for me to jump into a relationship right away. I told you i'd wait- no matter how long it took. Just because it's been some time doesnt mean im going to stop waiting for YOOOUR ASSS. gosh, ifly.

saaamramsay @ 2008-04-17T18:42:00

2008-04-17T22:44:01Z

FUUUUCK IT.

k? im pretty sure im close to done.

scarborough bitches.

2008-04-17T01:16:41Z

So, I love how I've moved out of Scarborough and started a new life, BUT BITCHES BACK DOWN THERE STILL TALK? Wwwwtf. I've never even met half the girls talking about me. Calling on fights with "thee sam ramsay" as it says. Stop starting pointless drama, and grow the fuck up. You're all older then me and i have you all figured out. But I still love how you insist that i come down to "meet you all" at port union. you CLEARLY know i'm going to show up with port union/rouge broads if your going to try and pull shit there, because you clearly know by the comments made that i know a shit load of them. ew, dont even let me get all ghetto when i right this either, but i dont even know what to say 'cept Y'AAAAAALL ARE AAAAAAARMZZZZZ. Fuccck your lives. Fucken wanna chirp me because you dont like the fact that i'm closer to people that you go to school with then you ever will be? You neeeeed a nice slap in the god damn face, monkey bitch. First of all. Anyone that knows what i'm talking about knows who i mean by monkey bitch to. And then, i love the random little yute getting herself involved saying: SAAAAM RAMSAY! HAAAAA. You all and your homless pack. How COOOOL is it to get like 6 or 7 homeless kids together and wander around all day and night, with disgusting hygiene finding yourselves random abandoned houses to get high in, and crash in. You're all pathetic. If you really think your opinion of me effects my life that much, your seriously wrong. And neeeeed to put the pipe down, hunnnnie. Again, I havent even meant any of you. Stop being suuuuch bitches.

wow.

2008-04-14T02:36:21Z

My Only Rule: "I'm not going to make you a priority, until I know I'm more then an option."

And I broke it.

Shit, eh? You did me in pretty good.

And I'm sure anyone I'm close with knows what this is all about.

ily.xo

YOUR FUCKING WITH ME!

2008-04-09T00:59:21Z

After a while, I guess I've gotten to a point where I'm tired of trying to fix things between us. I'm not giving up. I've just come to realize that I don't need you don't give two shits about how i feel or anything. So, I guess I knew you wouldnt be here forever. But at the same time, I actually thought you'd be the different one. You know, the one that DIDN'T leave me in the dust, with nothing but the footprints you decided to leave behind? I thought you were going to be the one that actually gave me time to fall in love, and maybe even feel the same way back. And I thought you'd be the one that could have atleast been man enough to tell me straight up it was over for good, instead of leaving me heartbroken to figure it out for myself. So honestly, fuck you. I really, really miss you. And I just dont know what to do about it anymore, so all i CAN really say is fuck you. And I guess I'm just starting to believe that it's going to be best to forget what i feel, and focus on what i deserve? I'm not going to act like im the best person in the world, and I deserve the best, and nothing more. because I'm not, and I want someone that has flaws, I guess you could say.. but does ANYONE really deserve to be treated like shit? I mean, I guess I just need to learn how to be strong now, because just by analyzing the past, which i've been doing alot of lately i've learned. I've learned that things always get better. I mean, I guess I'll never really be 100% anymore, but I'll be a hell of alot closer to it then I am now. I'm really just tired of WANTING you to like me, when I deserve someone that likes me for who i am anyways. Your a guy. A stupid guy. There really isnt anything special about you either, so why is it that i have to feel like this toward you? This relationship may not have went where we originally intended it to go, but I guess it ended up where it was intended to be. They say that when you really don't know who to trust, you're supposed to start by recognizing those that didnt hurt you when your back was turned, or when you least expected it. So what can I say? You're no where near that list, my love. And if i'm as important to you as you lead me on to be, you WOULD care about that statement. The only people I need in my life are those that have proved to me they need me in theirs. So one last thing? FuckYou. Stop hurting me on purpose, and tell me how you really fucking feel. You're confusing as fuck.

ps: ofcourse i want you back. and ofcourse i want things to go back to normal.
but i also need to know if im wasting my time. each day you lead me on just gets harder.

Untitled?

2008-04-06T18:26:07Z

So, I guess I'm working up the courage to finally talk to him. All fronts down, and just open up. I'm getting to a point where I just really need him to know the real me. I'm tired of acting like it's all okay, and acting like.. this isn't phasing me, i guess? Because it isn't okay, and it is phasing me. It's phasing me more then I even thought something could, actually. I'm a strong person, and in all honestly, I've never been to emotional; but you take my breath away so much, it's hard not to be emotional. So, I guess I'd be lying through my teeth if I told you that I was okay. I mean, I had it all together, until you told me that you just needed space. In an instant, you tore me apart in ways I didnt even think was possible. I mean, I didnt ever, EVER imagine that one person could break my heart so badly. It's a crazy feeling, and it sucks. IT SUCKS. But whatever, what can I do about it now? If it was as easy to talk to you, as it is for me to write this, I guess I'd just tell you that i'm holding lose, i'm not letting go. Think about what it means, it'll make sense eventually. I mean, I could think myself dizzy about this, and all you can do is tell me not to worry. I'm not worrying, I just miss you right now. Yeah, that's it. I miss you right now. So what if I see you and talk to you everyday. I miss the you that I knew as a boyfriend, not as a friend. Because you've changed so much in the past week, it's crazy. So, I don't know. I don't know if you want me back, or if you even want me as a friend. I can't think about it anymore, because it just makes me go insane knowing that I can't do anything in my power to have you back. I guess you wouldn't know the feeling, but it's actually one of the hardest things I've ever had to think myself through. So, I don't know baby. Take all the time you need, and I guess if you get anything out of this breakup, or break, or whatever you wanna call it, just know that no matter how long you wanna take, i'll be here waiting. I'm not desprate, and I dont NEED you to live my life, I want you- and I'm willing to do what it takes to get you back.

<3

2008-04-03T22:36:21Z

I've made mistakes in my life;
I've let people take advantage of me;
and i've accepted way less then i deserve;
But I've learned from my bad choices;
and even though there are some things i can never get back;
and people who will never be sorry ;
I'll know better next time;
and I won't settle for anything less then I deserve.

It's not up to me anymore.
If you want me in your life,
you'll find a way to put me there.

drama?

2008-04-03T22:19:28Z

I don't think I really even think straight anymore. All of my feelings have just sort have been jumbled together in the past few days. What am I supposed to say to someone, or how am i supposed to act toward someone that's broken my heart? I mean.. it's not over. And I know that, but just the fact that it's not going on right now is still heart breaking. Everyday that goes by, i know my chances to get back with you get weaker and weaker, but what does that have to do with us anymore? We've talked. And agreed on pretty much everything. Whether or not we get back together isn't really in our hands anymore. We have to leave it up to our feelings, and our actions. If it's meant to happen again, it's meant to happen. I JUST FUCKEN WISH PEOPLE WOULD STOP RUNNING THEIR MOUTHS. Like, honestly. My feelings for this fucking boy are CLEARLY stronger then i've ever known; so tell me why the only reason it's being fucked up is because of OTHER FUCKING PEOPLE. I'm not saying any names. So if anyone does happen to read this, don't waste your time confronting me about it. Because as far as I'm concerned, this is a personal issue and it shouldn't be talked about anymore with ANYONE. I find live journal these days as a way to just, release my feelings, and get things out. So don't prosecute me for publishing this. If you don't fucking like it, don't fucking read it. I mean, I honestly didnt know one fucking person could be so fake. Manipulative, Passive-Agressive, Bitchy, Rude, Selfish, Liar, Attention-Whore. In a way, this is totally and completely sad because in all honestly, the only way i think you actually see yourself is as a good friend. In no way are you helping me out anymore. Your fucken doing the opposite. All I'm asking as is that people drop the subject of me and him. It's done. Old news. Leave it to us to work it the fuck out, and thats the end of it. So I dont know. I'm not sure what I am anymore. I know I'm HURT, but i guess in my eyes, i think there has to be more to it, right? I'm not sure if i'm angry, or relieved or whatever. But I know it's just more then hurt. Maybe I'm even happy. I don't know, but i guess it's possibly. I mean, I like him like MAAAD, but if he's happy with a break, then i'm happy to. Because i'm happy when he is. But honestly, the whole situation is just to much. I need time to. Time to think, and time to experience the feeling of really losing someone i care about. Or, not LOSING someone i care about, but having someone i care about beyond my reach. It's the hardest thing i've had to do so far. I can't wait to actually experience life. =/ xoxo.

Maybe in the future things will go back to the way they used to be.

2008-04-01T20:03:20Z

The first few days after breaking up are supposed to be hard, right? Well-I mean the hardest. I just didnt think it was going to be THIS hard. I guess we're not technically broken up for good yet, but we're not techinically TOGETHER anymore either, which is probably the hardest thing to get through my head. I think your the first person in my life that I care about probably more then myself. I mean, usually when i break up with someone, there's always that little bit of selfishness inside me that wants that sole person back, whether they're happy or not... but i guess you're the first person that i can actually look at and say: "wow, if he's happy that we're on a break, then i guess i'm happy to." because all i really want is for you to be happy and enjoy life as much as you daaaamn can. if i'm not what you need or want right now, or if a girlfriend is something you simply just cant handle right now with everything your going through, then i understand. Maybe in the future things will go back to the way they used to. That's what I want atleast, but you cant always get what you want i guess. I honestly think I'm jsut learning to respect other peoples wants and needs, and not think about myself so much anymore, and if i've gotten anything out of this relatiomnship, that would probably be it. You taught me to not only care about and respect myself, but to care about and respect the people around me to- and i thank you for that. You've honestly gotten my mind off so much in the past couple months, like.. you were my lifesaver. I mean, I guess techincally we're still "good friends" for now, but it's hard to go from being so emotionally attatched and open with someone, to just being.. good friends? sure, i guess i feel like i can still talk to you about anything, and EVERYTHING, but i just dont feel the same anymore about how much i can trust you, because i trused you with my heart, and that didnt end up to well either. atleast i've come to realize that you didnt want to hurt me on purpose, and that maybe it just needed to happen but the fact is that you still hurt me. I'm sure you realize what's happened and everything, and in all honesty- your a guy. So if you dont care, it wont surprise me. All i really want now is respect, because I cant ask for much more from you. I dont know about much anymore, I really just think i'm falling apart, because you were holding me together. I guess I just need to get used to fending for myself again in this world.

i'm gunnin' for you babe. ;)

2008-03-31T21:45:09Z

i cant believe that something so strong, and beautiful, and precious could change in a matter of seconds. I don't know what to think anymore. I honestly didn't think you'd weaken so easily. I made you my life in a matter of seconds, all it took was that one look you gave me the first time we actually meant. That had to have been the biggest mistake i've made so far in this new chapter of my life. Words honestly cant begin to express what you mean to me, and i'm just not willing to let this go. We need to talk? We can stil be friends? It's just a break? We'll get back together soon? I've heard it all before, but i've never taken something to heart like this. I guess I just need some space, this all feels wrong. My feelings havent changed at all for you, infact, no matter what happens, they're still getting stronger. but i think in a way, time will be good. i just want you to know that i'm always going to be there for you. and i know you'll always be there for me. and it means alot. the only thing i have left now is hope. and i can't really put my feelings into any more words. you were honestly my saving grace, and just because we don't know where our future's going, doesnt mean we can't just go out of a limb, and try our hardest to make it work. i'm gunnin' for you babe. ;) there's no way we're letting go yet.

worth my time?

2008-03-31T14:50:38Z

I don't know what to think anymore. I hate being young and having feelings so strong, because I know they're real, and he knowds they're real, but i kinda feel like everyone else sees it as being fake. No one's really gotten inside my head yet, like i sometimes wish people would. I'm not saying I'd like everyone to be able to read me in a snap, but i'm jsut saying that sometimes i wish i had someone that knew exactly how i felt. i'm at school right now, and so far this is the hardest day i've been through yet. i just feel, defeated i guess. I can put on a happy front, and act like nothing's wrong, and nothing's bothering me, but in all reality- i'm jsut confused. I've been feeling so closed off lately, I'm not to sure what to think anymore. I dont know, I have friends. I have lots of "close friends" that I feel like i can trust with anything, but i havent found anyone yet that i really think i can tell the truth about how i'm feeling right now, because i feel as if i told people the feelings that i have right now, no one would understand. I'm close to giving up, but im scared to at the same time. I want to give up because I know nothing lasts forever, and i really DO know that i'm going to end up hurt in the end, but it hasn't hit me yet that maybe JUST MAYBE, the road on the way to being hurt is going to be worth it in the end. And i'm still trying to figure out if the amazing feelings i get from doing something as simple as.. seeing you smile, or kissing your lips are going to last forever. I know i'm never going to come across someone that FULLY knows how i feel, but i can always hope, right?

it's different, i swear.

2008-03-31T01:30:23Z

i'm to young.
i've heard it so many times, and quite frankly, im tired of it. the feelings i have towards this boy are just so different from anything in the past, i dont even know what to say anymore. sure, i mean.. i'm getting older and im maturing, and that could DEFINITELY be part of the reason why i feel like i want so much more out of this relationship, but in a way- it's different, i swear. sure, i've said i love people.. but i still think i might be to young to really know the meaning of love. i'm not going to jump to conclusions in this relationship and take things so fast that i think i'm in love, because generally when people do that- it's infatuation. you think you're SO in love with someone for a couple months or so, and eventually feelings just die off. but that's not the type of relationship i want. i'm happy. because i HAVE that guy that'll kiss my nose, and my forehead. i have the guy that follows me when i storm away mad, and the guy that asks me what's wrong when im quiet. i have the guy that gives me all his attention when i'm ignoring him, and the guy that lets me rest my head on his shoulder. i have the guy that plays with my hair, and plays with my fingers and hands when we're together. and i have the one SPECIAL guy that just holds me, for what feels like forever when i'm criyng. i have the guy in my life right now, that no matter how close we are, or how long we've been together, i still miss him unconditionally- because i just never feel like i can get enough. he stays up half the night just to be on the phone with me, even if i'm to upset to say anything. and his hugs are to DIE for. i live for his kisses, and those little glances i get to steal when he's hanging out with the boys. he really jsut makes me feel like.. i am important, i guess. and that i do mean something to someone in this world. what we have together jsut seems so god damn real, i hate the fact that people can stare, with these blank looks at us and say: they're to young for this. because we're not. i'd give anything for one more touch, one more hug, one more KISS. I'd give anything for that last glance over his shoulder before class, or that last little smile he cracks after he kisses me goodbye. i'd give anything to just, freeze those moments, and steal them, and never let them go- because it's simple things like that that i consider the best moments of my life.